But whether no one reads or comments on it beyond her, the power and significance of this bold stroke cannot be diminished. I took aim directly at the people for whom I still harbor fear: my peers both old and new, and shot my arrow of a door into who I am and how I express myself.
Why I’ve been so ashamed of this I really don’t know. Conditioning by society, by my high-achieving peers… that I never should show my weakness… I won’t cop to those as being valid reasons to keep my mouth shut. That would be buying into victim mentality. And I don’t do that.
It was a little step. But I felt guided to do that. People can link in to the article where I talk about rehab. But it’s out there. And there’s no turning back.
So what if the writing isn’t fluid and strong and perfect and I’m no voice of my generation, or even voice of my neighborhood block. I don’t care. It’s selfish motivation to publish and (lightly) promote this stuff. To overcome my self-generated fear. But it’s what I need to do right now. I feel it in my heart. And I’m determined to be true to myself.
I’lll keep adding to this base. And I’ll get more honest. Tell people that I’ve been to frightened to share who I am and what I’ve really been through. My bipolar illness. My character flaws and the fallout they’ve caused for my partners, friends, family. My addiction and the way it tore through my life riding the back of my mental illnesses. Or maybe it’s the other way around.
But whichever is the chicken or egg in this situation doesn’t matter. Together, they shut me tight in a locked box of secrecy and shame. And I stayed there even after leaving the drugs and drinks behind. That pivotal move that saved my life almost 3.5 years ago. Only now am peeking out the top and letting the light in.
And letting my own light shine out.